Absence

Far away in a different world,
Where the moon glows bright and the sun sleeps throughout,
You cuddle in my arms and lull off to sleep,
Whilst I stare at you and learn what love is about.

I appear strong and tell you it’s okay,
And you ask me to chill out,
For things will get back to how they were in a while,
So what is this fuss all about?

But like an overdose of alcohol,
Which people remember never to repeat,
An overdose of your absence,
Is killing me underneath.

It’s about the fact that never have I ever,
Loved anyone as much as you,
You’ve sunk deep into my thoughts and my dreams,
Of which left in my life are very few.

So tonight before you go off to sleep,
Imagine you are with me,
In a world where nothing else matters,
And where our hearts are free.

And I’ll pull myself a bit closer to you,
You’d come a little more closer to me,
And I’d smile and keep my brows straight,
Like you’ve always wanted them to be.

The Time Traveller

She wanted
Like a little girl would,
For she was of course,
A little girl,
And so,
It wasn’t abnormal for her
To want what she wanted,
And wish for what she wished.
But then the man
Who defined normal,
Decided to poke a little fun
At this small girl,
And he changed therefore
The definition of normal,
So that her wish
Because almost synonymous,
With the most abnormal thing
One could wish for,
And so it was
That her wish wasn’t granted,
Moreover
People laughed at her,
For they found it amusing,
That a little girl,
Which she truly was,
Would want and wish
For the things
She wanted and wished.

But then she knew
What she had to do,
So she went,
To the nearest spaceport,
And picked up a spaceship
That was painted,
In pink and blue,
She of course chose it,
‘Cause those were
Her favorite colors,
And she time-travelled
To the past,
Wishing that she’d find,
The definition of normal,
To be as normal as
Any definition could be.
But the spaceship
Was an evil one,
And it took her to the past,
Where the word normal,
Had not yet been discovered,
When she reached there,
People had just come out,
Of their caves,
Looking for deer to kill,
And then ate them,
And slept merrily.

So she took the spaceship,
And travelled to the future,
But now she came back,
To where she had started.
But as far as I think,
Her wishes at the end
Were fulfilled,
Even though people
Did laugh at her,
For the wish after all,
Was to time-travel.

Dreams and Love

And so it was,
That last night,
I realized,
How love felt like.

A warm hug tight,
A peck on the cheek,
A shy smile,
All in a dream.

I woke up to nothingness,
She wasn’t around,
But I still felt,
Her presence, her warmth.

And so it was,
That today morning,
I called her up,
And told her my dream.

She laughed merrily,
And denied,
The possibility,
Of it ever happening.

And so it was,
That I realized,
How love is sweet,
Only in dreams.

But one wakes up,
To bitterness sometimes,
And forsake dreams,
To waste-bins.

Lost

This is a story of all I’ve lost,
All those who believed in me once,
All those who I thought
Would stay here forever.
All those who were my people.
My people.

But there’s a river always,
And there’s the other bank,
And I’ve seen you go to the other side,
And there are beliefs there too.
Yet I’ll come there sometime,
If I’m strong enough,
To fight against the currents,
And to fight against the odds.

But what’s in store for tomorrow,
Nobody knows,
And the clocks go tick-tock tick-tock,
And I keep losing my faith,
And my people,
And they lose their faith,
And me,
An endless cycle.

But all’s not lost, there is a ray of hope,
Shining from behind the clouds,
Which cloud my mind presently,
Making me unable to see what’s across it,
Whether it’s a silver lining,
Or are there endless clouds,
Hiding the sun, my source of energy,
I don’t know,
And nobody can tell me, unless they go.

This is a story of all those who I have lost,
To love.
Because sometimes,
Love is a poison,
One which comes back to get you,
To destroy you, and to harm you forever.
Memories hit me,
Like cold gales lashing across my face,
Of things that had best remain unsaid,
That had best remained undone,
But were done, in the moment,
Not foreseeing the future,
And here I lie, in despair,
Thinking about it without a course.

And there are others that I’ve lost,
To time.
For time is like sand, forever slipping between fingers,
No matter how hard you close your fist,
People, memories, happiness, friends,
Dwindle out.
Like the candle, having served it purpose,
Reduces to wax, and a part of it,
Forever stuck to the floor,
Like memories,
The memories of my people.

I’ve lost people, and I’ve lost time,
But that’s not all,
I’ve lost memories, so many of them,
In a chest full of gold and other treasures,
But someone robbed me of it,
In a dream one night,
And I have never found them again.
I’ve lost dreams,
He came one night, and told me so,
That dreams were only for those,
Who had their memories safe and sound,
But I had lost them.
I’ve lost wishes, which I had saved,
To demand of a genie should I find one,
But he came in the midst of a night,
And told me he wouldn’t grant me any,
‘Cause wishes were given to only those,
Who had big dreams, and I had lost them.

But lost things may yet be found,
Like toys of a child hidden in the cupboard,
And some day when I rush across,
The pages of time,
I might catch one at the end of a page,
Waiting, sitting there, just like me,
Trying to look out for those she’s lost.

Abyss 6

Written on May 3, 2015

I sat by the river,
Goosebumps on my skin,
Talked to you,
For an hour or so,
Did you listen to me?
Because I did feel,
Once or twice,
You were probably
Replying to my questions.
You were murmuring,
And I could not understand.
But when I wept,
The Han wept with me,
And I knew it were your tears.
You did miss me,
As I you,
And in spite of the fact,
That so many years,
Have separated the two of us.
Deep down,
You have filled,
The abyss in me,
As I you.

The sun went down,
And the moon peeked,
Through the grey clouds,
A tide rose,
The water lapped against me,
Were that you?
As it retreated,
I realized,
I had lost it again.
Never the waters,
Could I keep with me,
Lest a part of you,
Would stay forever,
In me,
I wish.

For the abyss is but deep,
And within us all,
Only sorrow fills it,
But one day,
Oh I am sure,
Things will be better,
When on the other side,
Of the world,
Where you reside,
I will come,
And they will too,
And we all, would be,
Together.

Return – Chapter 5

Sometimes things happen, and we do not really realize their importance until long after. As I now think of my past, so many events stand out in my mind, which at that point were simply instances, nothing important enough to remember, just moments. But those moments are what have made me what I am today, or at least attribute to it in some way or the other. And somehow a majority of the moments lead up to the same end point. Irtiqa. How I wish that it were untrue, and that there were more than one meaning to my life. I remember the first time I took her out for ice-cream. I loved a particular combination of flavors, and was exhilarated to make her try it, and she had looked at the icecream with disdain. She did not like it one bit. Chocolate was better. That was one of the first moments when I had realized that maybe things are not so common as we had thought they were. But what harm could it be? After all, an ice-cream flavor never disrupted anything, and we were too mature for that. Only, we were not.

Irtiqa. There was something about that name. And that something had kept me away from Shaena too long. I was not meant to do any of this. But then again, who could ever imagine that we would ever meet again, after the way we parted four years ago — she suddenly pulled me back. I had not realized I was crossing the road and that a car was headed towards me. I looked back at her. She asked, “What would have happened if I weren’t there here right now?” And I replied, “That could not have been.” She smiled. She knew. She knew what was going on in my mind. But she would never own up to it. She was too proud for that. And so was I. We already knew we had embarked on the wrong path yet once again, but somehow we had decided we would continue to walk.

“We should go drinking sometime,” she said. “I will make you vomit out every secret that you keep from me.” I smiled. She still did not know anything about that night. It is queer how intoxication can be a boon sometimes. Perhaps that is why people get drunk, to be themselves. They know they do not have the guts to unmask themselves when they are in their wits, but they desperately want to unmask themselves. And that is why they drink. That is why I drink. I remember the last time I was drunk. It was a total fiasco. I always drink only till I know I am okay. After that I stop. This one time, I did not. I wanted to lose my senses for once. I wanted to be just me for once. No limiting boundaries. People think that drunk people usually speak truthfully and that it is best to make them ogle out whatever they might have buried in their hearts. And that is somewhat true. Only, sometimes we lie so much to ourselves that the lie gets buried deep within, and we start thinking that it is true. And there lies the problem. We have moulded ourselves into something that we wish were true, and have believed in the alternate theory so much that it seems a part of our reality.

I dropped her at her home, but decided to stay out for a while. As I walked, the breeze blew through my hair. It was a starry night. The river shone brightly, lit up by the street lights and the stars and the moon. I sat on the bank, the cold water lapping against my feet. In a restaurant a few blocks ahead, someone was singing folk songs. I checked my phone, the battery was dead. There was nothing else that I could want at this moment. Nothing more, nothing less. I think I was happy. I was satisfied by my life, even though it had nothing to give, because I was too full to take anything more, like a tumbler full of water. The friend I had met in the morning crossed paths once again. “How was it?” he asked, not waiting for an answer. He knew I would say it was okay, irrespective of how it was. Sometimes it is foolish to anticipate anything out of anyone. And we had both learned that, the hard way. He left after a while, when he realized I had nothing more to say. I walked back to Shaena’s house. She opened the door, but blocked it. “What troubles you so much?” she asked. “Tell me or I will stop talking to you.” Déjà vu. Was she still so kiddish? “Are you seriously gonna do that, now, again?” “No, I am joking. But you need to tell me. I am a friend, believe me, I am, and will be. We are past all that now, and I promise nothing of that sort will ever happen again.”

Perhaps I took a wrong decision at that very moment.

Previous

Cluttered Thoughts

That was the last time we met. I knew, but I did not tell her that we wouldn’t meet again. It would not serve the purpose. I did not want to break her heart, but more than that, I did not want to break mine. It is always nice to have a little more anticipation deep down somewhere in your heart, dream a little more than you know you will get, wish for an extra star, live for an extra day, think about her a little more, hug her thinking there will always be a next time. But deep down, I knew, this was it. She had been a good friend, but sometimes, even the best of friends change, much like the weather. For when the clouds cover the sun, the sun does not stop shining, but it still feels helpless at not being able to meet the sunflower, and the sunflower stupid as she is, thinks the sun’s gone, and the sun, stupid as he is, keeps waiting for the clouds to remove themselves, and both in turn, become upset.

The first time I had met her, things were different. I was only trying to be a nice person, trying to fill in a void. Now that I think of it, that void was never there. It was a creation of my thoughts, and an aggregation of mixed emotions, but all of them, in reality, were made up. And I knew that. I simply refused to acknowledge the fact that I knew that. I was much like an ant, trying to fill in the void of an elephant. And though that may sound much kiddish, in actuality, it was really the same that I was doing. I later realized, that there were two distinct worlds going on in here, and that we both were weaving our dreams together, but in different worlds. And that even if we were to weave the web completely, (if that were to ever happen, which it never really happened), we would not be at the center of one web, but each of us would be at the center of two different webs which were made of two entirely different things. We were two spiders, but our needs were different. One of us needed protection, weaving a web that was small, but very strong. One of us needed food, and the web was sticky, but frail. And the funny thing was, we both thought we were one of these, but in fact, we were really the opposite of who we thought we were.

When you are climbing uphill, all you wish is to reach the zenith. It will just be an easy roll-down from there you know, and you desperately wish to just finish the climb. Yet when you start rolling downhill, you realize that this wasn’t really what you imagined it would be like. It is nauseating, you feel like puking, and you wish mayhaps a level ground would be welcoming for a change. But the level ground never comes. It is either uphill or downhill. Life is made up of such ups and downs. It is never smooth, never like the one we dream it to be. I once read an anecdote about wishes. When you are confused between two choices, flip a coin; when it is midway in the air, see whether you are really praying for heads, or tails. And you will know what you really want. Who you really want. What matters to you. What doesn’t. What you really need. Maybe I really wished for her. Maybe I really wished for us. Maybe not. Time for me to flip a coin, will tell you what I really wished for, when it is midway.