Lilies

Dreams are in fact the only way of repose, in my understanding. Because that is only time when the mind is at rest, even if not fully. No, I do not mean to evoke psychologists to rubbish my thought by saying that the subconscious is awake at all times, and so is the unconscious during dreams, but as long as the conscious is at rest, you have an option to keep away the worries of the day piled up lazily in a corner like dirty laundry to be washed the next day. And that is exactly why I like to sleep. Because I love to dream. To dream of castles I’ve never been in, and races I have never won, and meadows I have never lay in and lilies I have never smelled.

Unfulfilled dreams and the urge to fulfil them or at least keep dreaming about them until they get fulfilled is perhaps one of the main ways I keep myself happy. Happiness is a rare thing, and looking for it is indeed difficult in my world. Don’t assume me to be a sad person, I am in fact a very jolly and funny guy who can crack the right jokes at the correct time and make those around laugh merrily. I can also bring a smile on a child’s face by giving him a chocolate or an old lady’s face by helping her cross the street. To say I do not derive happiness from these small acts would be cruel. Indeed I do. They do make me happy. And if that surmises to happiness found easily in the world, then by that definition I am indeed a very happy person. But there is more than that to life. There is a personal space, and there is an ego, and an ego needs to be fed, and food is expensive, and it comes at the cost of happiness, inner happiness, not the joys of the world that can be experienced ever so easily.

I sat by the river one day, looked into the water and saw ripples of my reflection smiling back at me, as if it almost knew what went on in my mind at that time. It is funny how reflections are just what we are, but devoid of their own emotions and feelings. They feel what we feel, they show what we ask them to. They do not have an individuality. And many people think that individuality is in fact one of the foremost important things in this world, but indeed in the case of reflections, it is not. So for shadows too. Shadows and reflections. It is such a nice thing to talk about. Shadows, darkness, reflections, brightness. Shadows do not smile or be sad, they are stoic, they are our internal selves. But reflections are what the world sees, whereas the shadow is what it needs to see to learn what is really going on in our heads because at the end of the day, what we show and how much we smile doesn’t count a penny.

My set of posts is almost at an end. Only one more post to go for this series to end. I do not remember why I had started writing this, so it would be difficult to tell you whether or not I feel that I have justified the need of these posts, because I cannot remember the reason why I began in the first place. But sometimes it so happens that we must be happy with the way things end even if we don’t remember the beginning and even if we don’t remember the entire journey but only parts of it, for the end is what counts. They did have a saying, “All’s well that ends well”, and if that is true, then I should believe all is going to be well for me, and that might be the subject of my dreams when I sleep tonight.

Pinnacle

There have been times when I have thought,
That this might be the end to all,
I am falling behind the rest of the crowd,
Hold me someone, lest I fall.
Yet somehow, every single time,
I have managed to get up,
Dust off my pants, cover up the bruises,
And run again in the race.

So then what was the point,
Of feeling low at times?
It’s important somehow I think,
To feel low and upset sometimes,
Because that is the only way,
You can try to reach the zenith again,
And touch the pinnacle of happiness.

Well, if that doesn’t make sense,
I do not blame you,
‘Cause I am really sleepy,
And I don’t know what I’m writing.
But this is what I really meant,
That yes, you must, you should,
Be happy and cheerful,
Whenever you can,
But then, you must remember,
Being sad is not that bad,
Did that line rhyme in itself?
I think I’ll grow up to become a poet.

Kicking off with Blogging Anew

Hello everybody. I am doing something new this year for a change. I have signed up for a course on WordPress called Blogging 101. Today is the first day, and I hope that by the end of this course, both you and I benefit from this course. I am going to benefit because I am going to learn a lot in this process and it is going to help me become a better blogger. I wonder why I did not take this course five years earlier. You might benefit because you are going to get lots of posts from my end which might make your day interesting.

So today’s assignment is to publish a “who I am and why I’m here”, and I am going to start this year on a happy note by rediscovering myself.

Who I am
I had always wanted to become a linguist since I was small, but somehow I grew up to become a computer scientist. Being a computer scientist is fun, because honestly, there are lots of computer scientists out there, and you get to interact with a lot of people who have common interests. But that would be the ideal thing to say. The real thing then is this. People who grow up in developing countries, for example, I grew up in India; so these people always have this dream to visit the States some day. And being a computer scientist, it is not very difficult to land up in California if you have the right degree and qualifications. So then, have I been to California? Well, no. But I hope to be there one day, working with the best lot of people from the world. Will that dream ever be fulfilled? I cannot say, for soothsaying never got anyone anywhere.

I wonder why I am writing this when I already have an ‘About Me’ page. But then the course suggests that this would let me revisit what I said when I first started blogging. To be honest, five years down the line, a lot has changed. And I can actually see the difference through my posts, through the change in my styles of writing and the topics that I write about. Five years ago when I started, I was an immature kid who thought infatuation was the same as love, and that the only thing which is fun to write is love poems which rhyme at the end of every sentence. And my friends who have been following this blog since then truly know how much things have changed over time. For one, I am much happier than what I used to be. And I am really happy about the fact that I am happy. Well yeah, that is a redundant statement, but anyway.

Why I’m here
I’m here because I love to write. I’m here because I appreciate the fact that there are people who like what I write and inspire me to write more. More than once it has happened that I have decided to stop writing and move on to some other hobby. And each time, each single time, this blog has drawn me back to writing, much like a magnet attracts iron filings. No, I am not the iron filings. I think when many years down the line I will actually have lost the capability to sit at a computer anymore, my future generations would be proud that although their grandfather was really not famous, he did not give up his hobby, and that he persisted at what he liked. And thinking about that makes me happy.

Of course, I could maintain a personal journal. An interesting story out here is that when I was in first year of my college, I had initially started writing on OneNote because my diary ran out of paper, and I was being lazy and not buying a new one. So it went one for that for a couple of months or more, and then one day, a friend of mine read a poem out of my laptop. He was really impressed he said, and he suggested that I should start writing on a blog so that others could read what I wrote. I told him then, that I was not really writing for others, I just wrote because it made me happy. He said, “Yeah you be happy, but this might make others happy too.” I think that was the moment I realized I should start maintaining a weblog. I started one on Blogger, but it really did not turn out well, and I lost interest in it. After almost a month’s gap, I started writing here on WordPress. To my surprise, people left likes and a couple of comments on my posts. I had not expected that back then. I had thought I would write, maybe I would share the links with my friends and they’d read. But strangers reading my posts, however few they might have been back then, was really a motivating factor that drove me to write more. And thus I started my journey of blogging. And here I am, five years down the line.

Throughout years, I have shifted my focus to various topics, from love in 2010 to being mostly dreamy in 2015. This year my plans are a bit different. This year I plan to write about happiness. I feel there are too many people out here who write melancholic posts. And I am one of them, and I do not know if you would agree to this, but I feel writing posts that have a sad tone is much easier than writing a post about happiness. And so my aim this year is to explore more about happiness, to play with joy and to write about gleeful things. I do not know if I will succeed, maybe I’ll fall back to my old habits again, because habits die hard, but let’s see how things turn out.

If I blog successfully throughout this year, I will accomplish two things. Firstly, I have set a goal of 500 posts by the end of this year. This means that I would have to write another 150 posts this year, which is, to be frank, tough. But I intend to reach this goal if possible, because the last time I set a writing goal for myself was 2014, and I had been successful in it. So let’s see if I can live up to my goal. I would require your support, and maybe a new co-author (yeah, a little bit of cheating never harmed anyone, haha!). The second and more important thing that I wish to achieve this year is to hit 200 followers this year. This is going to be very tough, because I have gained only 135 followers in five years, so getting 65 more this year would be tough. But hey, you can help me in this. Shout out to your friends, tell them if you like my blog, what you like about it, show them a couple of my posts and maybe, just maybe, they’d follow too. Yes, I know I am being a little greedy, but who cares. It is just the beginning of a new year, and having high ambitions is a good thing at this point of time.

So that’s that for now. I do not want to overshoot because frankly I don’t know if this is going to be a boring read for you. But hey, I completed my first assignment, and I am a step closer to better blogging! Feels good to know that, eh? Have a good day you, and I’ll see you again with a new post soon.

Blogging U.

For I Will Walk

For I will walk those paths again,
Only this time you won’t be there,
And can you blame me?
Yes, you could, but deep within,
You’d cry for you know,
How much you’ve wronged me,
Day and night,
And the cycle continues,
A vicious one,
Engulfing one and all into it,
I was probably just another prey,
But you hunted me down well,
And that made all the difference.

For I will walk those paths again,
Though I really don’t know,
Where they will take me,
For the last time I walked,
You had blindfolded me,
And I knew you’d take me right,
That faith, that mistake,
But now I know,
I must go,
Come what may.

For I will walk those paths again,
And hope to find,
Another lost soul,
Looking out to find her way,
And maybe we’d hold hands,
And comfort each other,
For we both know how it feels,
To be stranded in a desert,
Knowing you’ll die soon,
And nonetheless striving,
To see it to its end,
Or at the least reach an oasis,
And that is not tough,
And I promise you,
I can do that.

For I will walk those paths again,
Paths which you can never walk,
For you might know the ways,
But you don’t have the keys,
To the gate that lies,
At the other end,
The gate to solace,
And freedom and happiness.

For you’re a captive,
Of emotions such as hate,
One that’ll pull you back,
Much like a spring,
The more you go,
The harder you come back,
And it serves you right,
For love you I not,
And I pray to the gods,
Those that might listen to me,
That you stay so forever,
And slowly forget that love even exists,
For you are not meant,
To love or be loved.

Lost

This is a story of all I’ve lost,
All those who believed in me once,
All those who I thought
Would stay here forever.
All those who were my people.
My people.

But there’s a river always,
And there’s the other bank,
And I’ve seen you go to the other side,
And there are beliefs there too.
Yet I’ll come there sometime,
If I’m strong enough,
To fight against the currents,
And to fight against the odds.

But what’s in store for tomorrow,
Nobody knows,
And the clocks go tick-tock tick-tock,
And I keep losing my faith,
And my people,
And they lose their faith,
And me,
An endless cycle.

But all’s not lost, there is a ray of hope,
Shining from behind the clouds,
Which cloud my mind presently,
Making me unable to see what’s across it,
Whether it’s a silver lining,
Or are there endless clouds,
Hiding the sun, my source of energy,
I don’t know,
And nobody can tell me, unless they go.

This is a story of all those who I have lost,
To love.
Because sometimes,
Love is a poison,
One which comes back to get you,
To destroy you, and to harm you forever.
Memories hit me,
Like cold gales lashing across my face,
Of things that had best remain unsaid,
That had best remained undone,
But were done, in the moment,
Not foreseeing the future,
And here I lie, in despair,
Thinking about it without a course.

And there are others that I’ve lost,
To time.
For time is like sand, forever slipping between fingers,
No matter how hard you close your fist,
People, memories, happiness, friends,
Dwindle out.
Like the candle, having served it purpose,
Reduces to wax, and a part of it,
Forever stuck to the floor,
Like memories,
The memories of my people.

I’ve lost people, and I’ve lost time,
But that’s not all,
I’ve lost memories, so many of them,
In a chest full of gold and other treasures,
But someone robbed me of it,
In a dream one night,
And I have never found them again.
I’ve lost dreams,
He came one night, and told me so,
That dreams were only for those,
Who had their memories safe and sound,
But I had lost them.
I’ve lost wishes, which I had saved,
To demand of a genie should I find one,
But he came in the midst of a night,
And told me he wouldn’t grant me any,
‘Cause wishes were given to only those,
Who had big dreams, and I had lost them.

But lost things may yet be found,
Like toys of a child hidden in the cupboard,
And some day when I rush across,
The pages of time,
I might catch one at the end of a page,
Waiting, sitting there, just like me,
Trying to look out for those she’s lost.

Why do we Behave So?

Issue: People’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

Response:
So this is a question which has been kept me wondering for long. Why do we behave so? Why is a person rude when he is in a bad mood and why is he not when he is happy? Is it a force? If so, is it an external force or an internal one? Is it true that people’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making? And if it is so, why is it so? Who is controlling us if it is not us? I agree on the onset that this is a very stupid question, but nonetheless I am going to spend some time pondering over it and you are welcome to join me in doing so.

I am no psychology student, so perhaps my analysis is going to be very rough and sketchy, and it might be totally wrong, so if anyone out here, who is perhaps reading this, has a radically different opinion, I would request you to do share it in the comments section, and make this post a fruitful one. So let’s get down to the main story. A friend of mine asked me whether or not I agree to this motion. And I said, well, no. Or maybe partially yes, but definitely not a complete one. I do not completely agree with the motion that people behave depending on forces not of their own making. Believing in such a principle indicates that you have given up your power to decide how you should behave to somebody else, or something else. Who then do you think is responsible for the way you behave? And I have reason to refute it because I know a set of my friends who are so indifferent, that they do not really care what the others think or say or do or whatever. Clearly, there is no force acting upon them which causes them to react or behave differently. So maybe it is a weak motion in fact.

You can always choose to be happy or sad. Your mood and your behavior is your choice. Let me give you an example. If you are constantly upset over something, maybe you should realize it is time you moved on and let that factor be as it is. You cannot, at any time, let something affect you so much that it can start to control your behavior. If it does, it only means that you are not strong enough, and that it is high time you stop and think for yourself why you are doing what you are doing and how it is affecting you. I have so many short anecdotes in my mind, so many real experiences that I want to share with you right now, but I do not want to extend this post for more than long, lest you get bored and run away.

However, I do not completely disagree with the motion. Maybe after all there are some forces which are not of our making which can affect our behaviour. I could place an argument like this. If someone is affected by an earthquake and is upset, then well one can say that this behavior is due to a force which is not of his own making. Similarly, sometimes the atmosphere around you itself stinks of a sadness or an anger due to deeds committed by someone else or by a factor over which one might have absolutely zero control. In such cases, it is important for us to stay aloof of our surroundings and keep ourselves calm and composed. Because at the end of the day, your behaviour is going to affect you, and make you a better or a worse person, irrespective of the people around you, irrespective of the surroundings you are in, and irrespective of who you care for or who cares for you. Therefore, take a back seat, and chill. Think before you act. Behave as if you want to, not as others want to, because it is your life and you have the right to lead it as you want to, not as the others want.

To the Stars

Look at the stars, shining above,
Each one shining bright just enough,
To light your world, and to light up mine too,
Smiling on us at every deed we do,
Yet have we paid enough heed to them,
The things they tell us, forewarn us?
They know our futures,
They’ve lived too long,
Seen the world build up from stones,
And seen it crumble as the dinosaurs died,
And seen how man rebuilt it,
With intentions good enough,
And seen how a man changed his intentions,
And know when the doom will come.
Talk to them, listen to them,
They’ll tell you whatever you want to know,
But whatsoever can we do,
Mere mortals on earth,
So let’s take a leap, a leap of faith,
And fly to the stars,
Stay there and build a new world for ourselves,
You be Eve and I be Adam,
And let’s build a new world,
In the stars.