Unrealistic Wishes

There she stands looking at the skies,
The purple streaks on her hair,
A perfect contrast,
To the orange ones in the sky,
Atop a hill, faraway,
From the rest of the world.
She looks at me,
I can see her eyes welling up,
If I don’t go now, if I stay a bit longer,
I will never be able to leave.
Her skirt billows up in the breeze,
Encompassing the knee-length grass around,
My life only a blade of it.
She is looking towards me now,
But I know it is not me she sees,
But her eyes go past me,
Past the trees behind,
To the sun, which now sets,
And I know,
That the night will fall on us,
All of a sudden,
But my heart so wishes,
That this day be prolonged beyond infinity.
But that’s what happens,
When one lives too much in dreams,
I remember once seeing,
A guy wearing winged boots,
And still staggering to cross the field,
So all’s not real, and perhaps this isn’t either,
And perhaps it is,
Who knows?

All a Lie

What if I told you,
This is all a lie,
That I am someone entirely different,
That I am not a man from here,
That I am from another world,
Where people don’t care about my looks,
Where animals smile when they see us,
Instead of getting afraid,
Where I live in harmony with myself,
My thoughts, my emotions.
Where people actually like me,
For what I am,
Not for what they would want me to be,
What if I told you,
That it is my dream,
To be transported,
To such a world.

Four

I am a little upset right now. I haven’t been able to pen down anything for more than a week now, primarily because I have been caught up with so much work back in office. By the time I come home, I am so tired I hardly feel I can write anything proper. For the past one week, I have been logging a regular twelve hours on a daily basis instead of the intended nine. Pent-up work, and pent-up emotions. Believe me, the combination is one of the most lethal things ever. I was lucky enough to be able to get an off for Christmas, but then the weekend came and I had to work through Saturday as well, though I worked only eight hours that day. Apart from that, I tried booking my date for TOEFL, but the website is so crappy and they never mentioned that you couldn’t use a debit card; my transaction failed twice in lieu of that. When I got some free time, I watched a few episodes of ‘Impractical Jokers’; in fact, even now, I had opened my laptop for the same but decided to write instead. I also finished a few more pages of ‘A Dance with Dragons’, and want to go back to it now. And I will, in a while. But till then, let me spend a bit of time with you.

I am a little upset right now. I under-delivered. I wanted to finish three hundred posts this year, but I only finished 280. But it is okay. A lot of crap is worse than a bit of sense. New Year’s is only three days away. I realised just now I should make some resolutions for the new year. Apart from some habits that I have vowed to give up, (and do not want to make a mention here), there are a few resolutions I really mean to keep up. One, more importance to family. All through last year, I realized, I have devoted really less time to my family. My work is eating up on most of my time, and so is my sleep. The few hours that remain, I now want to dedicate to my parents. Nothing big. Chitter chatter. How have you been? How was your day? I realized that is enough to keep them smiling, to keep them happy. They need closure. They need to know I am there for them. They need to know I care for them as much as they do for me. But the last year has been pretty bad that way. I had been out with friends practically every weekend. I want to switch the role now. That is my biggest resolution for this year.

For the past nine months, I have been planning on making an Android application. I even wrote down a post about it, hoping that would encourage me to finally start with it and make something out of it. I failed in that as well. My second resolution is to finish the project, and finish it well. It is a big project, I cannot handle it alone, I need help, and I will get it. I am already busy with the Amsler project, but hopefully my friend will do justice to it, he is already working a lot on it these days. But however big the project, or however tiny, I will do full justice to whatever I start, and see it to an end. My third resolution is to code more. More and more and more. Why? Working in a top-notch company with good people has its own perks and problems. There are two sides of every coin. While it is fun fixing bugs and getting to know how things really work, sometimes it is frustrating when you realize that you are only improving on stuff that others have made clumsily. We work on Android, and it is not a secret that Google writes the code for Android. And I urge you to read it up sometime, and see how bad some people can really code. I do not say I am a very good programmer, but there are some things you would never do, and probably some people have never been taught the Do’s and Don’t’s of good programming practices. Anyhow I cannot repair what is beyond repair, but I have made a resolution to write clean code. Really clean.

Resolutions are sometimes only a mummer’s farce. My fourth resolution is simple. And easy to keep. It is to keep up the other three resolutions. Sometimes you don’t need to dream big, and you don’t need to make huge plans to make a difference. Sometimes small changes can help a lot, make your life better, and keep you happier. And that is exactly what I want to be next year. Happy. So there they are, four of them, cleanly put. Whenever I am down, I am going to come back and read this, and try to keep them up as much as possible. You all out there, tell me about your resolutions. They may be kiddish, but if they are what you want to keep up to, those are all that matter. Happy New Year!

Three | Five

Crumbling

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
I know it isn’t so easy,
To be away constantly and not be misunderstood,
Wrong emotions getting conveyed all the time,
Trying to patch up on trivial matters,
Shouting at each other, then reconciling,
It’s difficult.
You feel it crumbling down to pieces,
Brick by brick, stone by stone,
You see the cracks in the wall,
Yet you feel too lazy to fill them up,
And soon these cracks grow large enough.
You can still mend them,
But it will obviously take a lot more time,
And even when rebuilt, it will not be the same,
Just like a thread, which when broken,
Can be joined back, but the knots,
Those knots will always be there,
The thread will never be the same again.
So don’t do it, don’t go far,
Don’t worsen it unless you have to,
For once it crumbles,
Everything mixes with the sand,
Not to be rebuilt again.

With The Wind

No one taught us, yet somehow we learnt,
To wear the masks that lure them for us,
And donned in them no one can know,
What we were, they care for what we are.
These moments of happiness, these seconds of laughter,
Will all soon be gone with the wind,
And with that it will take our masks away,
Then how will we hide what we have been?
Robbers and thieves, in our hearts we each,
We rob everyone of everything they have,
Yet don our masks such that we appear,
Our souls look pure, faith untouched.
Yet which one of us would believe in the gods,
The gods who take us away from ourselves,
Leaving a hollow in a place that had the heart,
These words, these emotions, gone with the wind.

The sands of time they say will pass,
Between our fingers even as we see them,
But they know and they never tell us about the sea,
The one which washes all the sand away.
The walls have cracks, ay, they will break too,
But who had raised them in the first place,
Why, we had done what was good for us,
Never thinking about the consequences they would hold.
So now when our lives are gone with the wind,
Why, the wind has taken much more than our lives,
As the sea which laps against the shore,
Our hearts have lapped against our minds,
Then returned slowly to the depths of darkness,
Which forever in its cradle holds it with love,
And even now when love but ceases to exist,
We call them out, but they are gone with the wind.

Ramblings

I hadn’t thought I would be as upset as I was right now, leaving my city to go back to the capital. I did not dislike my new city, nor did I like it more than this one. But things happen. Yes, things happen, and they happen in the queerest of ways, proposing the worst of consequences and leading to things, feelings, emotions, duties and responsibilities that you had never expected before. Such was this day.

As I sat in the drawing-room, I looked around. The house was all but full. It made me remember those days when our home was being built, when I used to tag along with my father. I had been so interested in seeing the progress of the house. I saw it built from scratch. The pillars first, only the pillars. It was one big room back then. Then came low walls, bricks, but they just marked where rooms would be. Then slowly the walls got higher. And then, the walls kept growing. Not just in the house, but everywhere. The doors and windows came much later, and the washroom I think at the end. It was such a long process. I remember coming each weekend. It was sunny at summer, and pleasant in winter, and I kept coming. The floor was all rough, the walls were only cement then. Then came the plaster of Paris, then the whitewash. The mosaic. I liked the mosaic floors. Red and blue and white they were, small stones, different colors, yet they kept it unified. That was the beauty of having different colors together. They helped it look different, yet they were the same. And wasn’t it supposed to be the same way for man?

And now it stood, almost the same as then. Only the walls have faded in their color, and the floors have turned grey from white. That’s what use changes in things, in people as well. You fade. Sometimes more than in color. Much has changed. I have changed. Let me write a bit about myself; I realized I write a lot about others, but I never give time to myself. So let me ramble a bit about me. Not really about me though, rather how I’ve changed over the years. There was this trend being followed in between when people were digging up old posts on Facebook and commenting on them. They helped me remember how I was three years back. And then of course there is this blog. The content, the style that I wrote in three years before. It makes me sit and ponder upon the thoughts that I had then, and the dreams too. Yes, the dreams, they were very important. Six years back, when I was in my eleventh standard, all busy ‘preparing’ for the IIT JEE, those moments, those days, the tuitions, the coaching classes, school and how everything happened, they come to mind. Sometimes I wish I could go back and lead them a little differently from how I had. But then now I think, what if I did it differently? Would I have the same life as now? Well no, of course not, that is the reason I want to change it, but then, am I not happy with my life now, or how it has turned out to be? Well sure, I could have studied more and got into a more reputed college, but that would snatch away so much of my life that I don’t want to lose. It was destined to be this way, and so I shall let it be that way.

But it’s okay. My life has somewhat turned out good. Except my English, which has become really bad. May be, just maybe, I should take up a course on English again. All those things aside, what am I going to do now? I have written too much in this post. I always end up writing more than I want to. It’s kind of like George R R Martin and his set of books A Song of Ice and Fire. He meant it to be a trilogy, ended up making it a set of seven books. Yet that is where the similarity between us ends. I am no great man as he is, and he has kind of become my idol. Back to this post now, I think it’s time to stop. I will write more later, when I have something on my mind that I want to clear off. I am doing that a lot these days. I keep thinking a lot, and then when I realize I should stop over-thinking, I sit down, and start writing. That helps me keep my mind off thinking about all those stuff, and for the fact that I really don’t think about the next sentence when I am writing. I just write. That makes me happy. Happiness has become a recurring thought in my recent posts. That ought to be a happy thing again, ain’t it?

So long so good. You’ve spent some time reading now, and I think you should get back to your work as well. For me, well I will just go off the laptop and maybe read some pages from A Feast For Crows, or maybe sleep, or just sit in the balcony for the last time. No, I am not going to do the latter because it’s really hot out there and it’s more comfortable in here. I will see you soon, with another post, not mind-boggling, simple one like this one. Maybe I will talk to you about me, or ask you about yourself. Maybe I will talk of dragons, yeah, I like dragons. They aren’t true, but so are dreams, people still aspire to achieve them, don’t they?

Hot Winds

Hot winds blow today. Fiercely. Ever more than before.

As I sit inside my room, a copy of “A Storm of Swords” in hand, which does not seem to end, I wonder of the future. I have been trying to finish the books of late, so that I may overtake the series on television, but to fail. Yet the summer outside presses it in, chaining me to my room, leaving me with no more options than to read and write. I sit in an unknown city, and through the verandah peer at unknown faces. They don’t bear smiles for me, neither glares. Absent emotions, they move about robotically. I go back inside the house. The roof presses its entire heat into the room, so much that the air conditioner doesn’t succeed in cooling it. That was one town where I lived ago. Now I live here, trying to make this as much of a home as the former.

Delhi, the capital of my country. I was not so excited coming here, for pain of loss of friends stings deep to those who have but a few. Yet now I confine myself to the city of Westeros and its problems, forgetting mostly the issues and problems dwelling around me, pressing ever as a box full of books does to the thinnest book at the bottom. Time has much changed since the last time I wrote of home. My notes date that as 17th December 2011, seems a lifetime before. Jamshedpur remains but a fond memory, longing to visit it, in dreams as well as in reality. Soon I will be there though.

College has but ended. I can call myself a graduate now. Yet leaving the city where I spent three and a half years of plentiful life, seems to burden me with more grief than I can partake in. The last goodbyes, knowing I would never meet them again. It seems so queer now that they were people from all parts of the country, heck, from all parts of the world, and that when they return to their homes almost a universe away, the only solace I would find is by pinging them on Whatsapp or looking up their new profile pictures on Facebook, glimpsing at how much their lives have changed since we last met.

I should be happier, I know that, deep inside somewhere. I did not fare that bad after all. Finished off with a decent score in college, made quite a number of good friends, but alas, I had thought the same four years ago, and where are those friends now? Remnants of them remain, like the left over crumbs of the bread a crow ate up, slowly yet fully. I have a job now, I am employed. It’s a big company and their work is big too, affects a lot of people. I should be happy my work will affect so many people, but alas, they’ll never know I have changed their lives for the better, or for the worse, I don’t know; thinking about it now makes me both happy and sad, like two faces of the same coin, fallen on the street amidst dust, never to be looked at again, unless perchance someone kicks it, and then lifts it up, dusts it down and keeps it in his wallet.

I want to tell people I will miss them. There are those who I’ve talked to and known for four years now, but still refrain from bidding goodbyes. Why do I do that? Just to keep people stood up to the notion that I am not sentimental, and forever a stoic, when in reality, I am but nothing of that sort? I don’t know. Questions forever bewilder me. What will I do now? What my future holds for me, I have no idea. Am I supposed to make one of my own, or only embrace whatever comes my way?

Hot winds blow. They remind me of summer now. Summer days in school, when we would rush to the kiosk at recess, buying Coke and clanking bottles. And then go back to class. So many promises we did make on the last day of school. This one friend, just stopped talking, and never told me why she was upset. I still need an answer, one that I will never get. I have been but long forgotten. Summer. Reminds me of the long vacations, and trips to relatives. How small I was then, with nothing much of import to take part in. Only if I could go back there, and sit, like an idle guy, just sit. Reminds me of the coaching classes too, ones I took in order to get into a good university. Wouldn’t comment on that; I am happy with what I got out of it. No complaints, yet, sometimes, I wish I could complain a little more.

The rains will come in soon. And with that, everything would turn better, as it always has.